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Disciplining Your Children

Many people hear the word "discipline" and immediately respond negatively. Discipline, however, is part of a healthy parenting strategy. Discipline is not confined to spanking but encompasses your entire approach to developing your child's sense of right and wrong. Discipline also fosters a sense of responsibility in your child.

So, how can you positively discipline your children? What are some of the most effective methods of disciplining children at various ages and developmental stages? Here's some advice on disciplining your children.

Why Kids Need Discipline
Everyone needs discipline in order to behave according to society's expectations, to focus on learning or working and to control unhealthy impulses. Exerting this control on yourself is difficult enough. Teaching it to our kids is even more of a challenge.

The world can be overwhelming for children and teens. Discipline helps supply safe boundaries within which they can grow. Discipline should be viewed as a positive way to teach your children, not as a punitive reaction to a child's behavior.

Philosophy on Discipline
What is the difference between discipline and punishment? Is it merely semantics? Discipline should be viewed as a healthy means of teaching your child self-control. As the child develops more control and responsibility, he or she can be given more freedom and privileges. Discipline should be controlled and well thought out by parents or guardians.

Punishment, on the other hand, is often punitive. It tends to arise out of anger and as a reaction to something "bad" the child did. Punishment has an out-of-control quality that undermines parent-child trust, and it often leaves the parent regretting his or her actions.

The Reality of Discipline
In order to discipline your kids, you first have to discipline yourself. Establishing a routine requires commitment and effort on a parent's part. It will also require a little trial and error. Not every discipline methodology will work with every child. However, parents must remain committed and patient in order to discover what system works best for their children.

When disciplining your children, it is important for you to remember that you are the grown up and, therefore, must behave like one. Parental discipline means you must maintain your personal integrity with your kids, showing them respect as they grow and giving positive time and effort, not just material goods and treats, as rewards.

Pick Your Battles
Always remember that your child is a child. Even a teenager is still not fully capable of understanding and taking on adult responsibility. When disciplining your children, be fair to them and view their level of responsibility, and the level to which you hold them, as a growth arc.

That being said, it is important to remember to pick your battles. Do not get into a fight over every little thing. Figure out your general goals (such as the child's health and safety, autonomy, contribution to the household, overall social skills, etc.) and ask yourself whether nitpicking over the issue at hand will help your child in the long run.

Hone Your Communication
If you really want your child to do something, speak directly to him or her, make eye contact and say "please." Have a back-up plan for non-compliance prior to being met with resistance. Do not fall into the trap of asking your child to comply or giving your child options. Your actions will speak more loudly than words, particularly for smaller children. Upon getting an unfavorable response from your kid, take immediate, swift action.

With older children, repetition is equally effective. Extended reasoning as to why they should comply or reading them the riot act won't help. Stress their value and importance to the household and remain positive, even if you have to ask them to take the trash out fifteen times.

Decide on Consequences
You alone can decide the types of consequences you are comfortable enforcing. People have very different feelings about spanking. Those who feel spankings are positive see them as an immediate, direct way to get children to conform. Those opposed feel spanking is cruel and sometimes hypocritical.

Some parents swear by sending children to time out, while others feel it is ineffective. Proponents feel the isolating effect of time out is an efficient deterrent. Others find it impossible to get an especially unruly child to sit still for five seconds, let alone one minute.

Family, moral and personal instinct will guide your discipline choices as much philosophical theory. Whichever consequences you elect, make sure to create a predictable and firm disciplinary environment.

Some possible consequences include:

• grounding
• sending a child to his or her room or a corner for time out
• spanking
• taking away privileges.

One guideline for any consequence you enforce is that it should occur soon after the infraction and be finite in duration.

The Best Discipline
Many experts agree that the very best discipline, particularly for older children, adolescents and teens, is spending time with them. By showing your kids that you are self-disciplined and caring enough to carve out thirty minutes just for them, you engender a sense of love, camaraderie and care that they will carry with them as they develop their own value systems.