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How to Handle Difficult Relationships with Your In-Laws

When we marry someone, in a sense, we marry that person's family, as well. In most cases, your spouse's family will want some degree of contact with him or her, meaning that the new in-laws are likely to become part of your life as well. While some newlyweds find that they get along famously with their new in-laws, others may run into more difficulties, as personalities, opinions and plans clash.

As a result, trying to improve this relationship can only make your marriage and your overall family atmosphere stronger.

Trouble Spots
For many couples, visiting in-laws on holidays and during vacation periods may be stressful, causing disagreements between couples, their respective parents and siblings. Traditionally, splitting time between both sides of the family tended to call for dividing up the holidays and birthdays evenly so that every other one was spent at the one set of in-laws while the rest were spent with the other set.

However, traditional solutions may not work today for a number of reasons, including:

• budget problems
• conflicting schedules
• distance 
• health issues 
• personality conflicts
• racial differences
• religious differences. 

Avoiding Fights and Resolving Differences
In-laws can be a valuable source of support and closeness in any family. Here are some tips for strengthening your relationship with your in-laws:

• Ask for advice: Because your in-laws have raised your spouse, they have obviously been parents for quite a bit longer than you. Asking them for advice will show them that you care about what they think and want to listen to what they have to say. Not only will it show them an added degree of respect, but it may also help you learn something new about parenting or your own marital relationship.
  
  
• Avoid ultimatums: When it comes to finding solutions to conflict, making "if/then" statements tends to intensify the problem, as it creates an ultimatum that threatens the other party. For example, "If you don't lay off of us coming for Thanksgiving, then we won't bring the baby for your birthday." These types of statements generally make the other person less willing to compromise.
  
  
• Don't be afraid to apologize: If you have had an argument with your in-laws, apologizing will not only dissipate the tension quickly but it will also demonstrate your maturity. In the future, it may serve as a model for your in-laws to recognize when they are wrong and step up to apologize.
  
  
• Know your limits: While it's always important to avoid fighting through compromise, this isn't realistically possible all of the time. Occasionally, personalities clash, tensions flair and fights ensue. If this starts happening, know your limits. Once you see that a compromise isn't going to work or that personalities are starting to get confrontational, take a step back.
  
  Remove yourself from the situation and let the in-laws know that you need some space and time to think about the topic. Suggest that they do the same and that you get together or talk in a few days once tensions have cooled. Time will give both parties perspective that will, hopefully, aid in finding a suitable compromise.
  
  
• Show respect: Even when it is difficult, always show respect for your in-laws. Not only will you will be setting a great example for your children to follow, but you will also be making an effort to diffuse their anger and irritability. How can they continue to fight with you if you are listening and understanding? Fighting back only prolongs bickering, unnecessarily adding fuel to the fire.
  
  
• Talk about issues as soon as they arise: The minute you start to feel uncomfortable or stressed out about a situation, bring it up to your in-laws and spouse. Addressing the source of tension immediately will help you move on faster and prevent any build up of resentment or bitterness.

Sorting Out Holidays and Special Occasions
One of the major points of contention with in-laws revolves around seeing them for the holidays and other special occasions. If you find that any event or holiday causes stress and unneeded tension, keep the lines of communication open. Discuss the options, along with everyone's preferences. Layout the most feasible options (i.e. those that work within budget and time constraints) and propose them to all parties involved. From here, working out a compromise may be possible.

If you are still having trouble, some other aspects to consider include:

• Avoid Long Distance Traveling on the Holiday Itself: Having to travel on Thanksgiving, Christmas or the day of any holiday creates unneeded stress that adds more tension to any situation.
  
  
• Consider Starting a Separate Account: Keep a "family savings account" for reunions or holiday gatherings. Try to put a little of each paycheck (or every other paycheck) into the account so that you will have money for plane tickets, hotels or gas and rental cars. By having this type of account, the financial burden of spending holidays with the in-laws can be alleviated.
  
  
• Offer to Stay Nearby: While visiting your in-laws, plan on staying at a nearby motel or hotel to avoid inconveniencing them. Keep in mind that this tip is merely a recommendation. Some in-laws may be highly offended if you don't plan to stay with them. Gauge their preferences by noting how may people they already are hosting and offering to stay elsewhere.

Above all, when you find yourself frustrated with your in-laws, keep in mind that many of the qualities we so admire in our chosen spouse were inherited from our in-laws. Remembering these suggestions and maintaining a respectful and mature relationship should help you improve your relationship with them.