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Learning to Nurture Your Step Children

Today, approximately one-third of all children may spend part of their childhood growing up with a step parent. While this can be a difficult situation for a child, it can be just as trying for the adults filling that role, as well.

One of the biggest misconceptions is the fact that step families and nuclear families are not the same and, therefore, have different needs and challenges. While a nuclear family consists of a couple and their offspring, a blended family is made up of the biological mother or father, the child(ren) and the new, non-biological spouse. Trying to force a newly blended family into the traditional nuclear mold without understanding the needs of the step children and step parents will create problems.

Psychologists agree that taking it slow and having the step parent gradually get into the parenting role is the best way to blend a family, especially when it comes to disciplining children. In this case, step parents are encouraged to let the biological parent take the lead.

Ease into Discipline
Make the transition into a new family a smooth one by supporting the biological parent in disciplining the children.  If, as a step parent, you criticize the biological parent, you may alienate your step children by making them feel that they have to choose between the original parent or the step parent.

Build trust by supporting the decisions of the biological parent in front of the step child. If you have issues or concerns about how the biological parent is acting, address them in private, away from the children. The children need to see that you and your spouse are a united front. As you spend more time with children, you'll slowly gain their trust, allowing you embrace more of a disciplinarian role with them. 

If the biological parent is away and the step parent must discipline immediately, act as the "adult in charge," not as a parent. Present the children with an expected code of behavior that applies to every member. Being fair and consistent is key to earning your step children's respect.

Understanding the Step Child's Perspective
Because they lack both maturity and coping skills, step children need more help in healing from this disruption in their lives than adults would. Your step children have lost continuity in their routine and living arrangements, control of their lives (which is minimal at best) and contact with members of their original family. This leaves them feeling both vulnerable and fearful. As a result, their turmoil may manifest itself in some unpleasant ways. When that happens, patience will definitely be required.

Set a Positive Tone
Children, regardless of their age, may have unrealistic expectations of what their "new" family will be like. Any step parent trying to fulfill these expectations is likely to be disappointed and frustrated. One of the best solutions may be for the blended family to develop a new identity by engaging in activities that everyone finds suitable and enjoyable. Some ideas for spending more time with your step child include:

• driving your step child to and from school everyday
• starting a family movie or game night
• taking a class together.

Since you are the step parent, make a definite effort to overlook the small hurts that can build up to tremendous resentment in time. No matter how tempted you may be to react harshly, always avoid criticism or sarcasm when dealing with your step children. 

Spend Time Alone With Each Child
Find some time to spend alone with each child so you become familiar with his or her world. While spending an entire afternoon is ideal, shorter periods of time, such as a car ride, can be just as effective. During your alone time, ask your step child about his friends, school and anything else (s)he takes interest in. This is a good way to build a strong line of open communications.

If you have children of your own, be sure to spend quality time with them as well so that they won't feel like second-class citizens. While building a solid relationship with your new step child is important, your biological child should always come first. However, finding a way to spend time with each child, as well as spending time with both of them together, is the best way to blend your family into a cohesive, healthy unit.

Nurture Your Marriage
As you forge new relationships and maintain existing ones with the children, remember that your marriage is the most vulnerable relationship that you are part of. With this in mind, you should never feel guilty for setting aside time to be alone with your spouse, even if it is just one night per week.